Between Sundays

The Sunday Sideshow - Part 1

Many three ring circuses don’t have a sideshow worthy enough to compete with the antics that take place on Sunday morning in pews across America. While many churches worry about keeping the attention of guests, preachers are perhaps the most captivated audience in America! There is simply no end to the cacophony of clowning around that ministers witness week in and week out from their pulpits. If you truly want to find a fun-filled time for you and your family, refund those tickets to the movie theater and fire your travel agent so that you can book a seat in the choir loft directly behind your pastor. Just try to keep your laughter under wraps as your eyes dance from one hilarity to another. You will soon develop a deep respect for your pastor’s ability to keep a straight face while you belly laugh your way through the length of the sermon. If only everyone knew that the average Sunday morning congregation is a better premise for a reality show than anything else on television. It really is quite entertaining for just as a circus has clowns, trick riders, acrobats, and tight-rope walkers so too does the church congregation have several categories of performers.
The first and largest category would have to be the slumbering saints who use the service as an extension of their naptime. Most of these performers are amateurs who try their best to stay awake as their eyes open and close with enough rapidity that you start to wonder if they are sending morse code messages. Others simply give into the urge and slip into a deep sleep hoping to soak in the message by osmosis just as their drool is soaking into the carpet in an ever-widening pool. Now every so often, if you keep your eyes peeled, a professional slumbering saint will enter into your midst. These hard-working specialists have gone to great lengths to learn the art of the nap. Does someone in your church wear dark spectacles to the services? Does a particular patron always seem to be praying throughout the sermon? Have you caught a fellow church member using eyeliner to draw eyeballs on top on their eyelids? Alright, the last one may be a stretch but the first two are definitely signs that you have caught a skilled sleeping saint. Don’t feel bad asking for their autograph after the service, just make sure you wake them up to get it.
Another common category to be found in the average American church service is the fellowship of fidgety fellows. These are the individuals who just can’t keep still and look as if they just sat down on a large ant pile which somehow found its way onto their seat. He moves to the left and then shifts to the right. Next he pulls his leg up and then puts it back down. Before long he leans forward in his seat but then jerks back suddenly. The best NFL play by play announcer couldn’t keep up with this man’s movements if he tried. It is as if this fellow stays still for one moment, he might join the ranks of the sleeping saints so he has to keep bobbing and weaving his way through the service. Eventually you wander if he is trying to combine his spiritual workout with a physical one. The only things missing are the heart monitor and a jump rope.

[Part Two on Wednesday...]

posted by Eric @ 8:22 AM